Losing It

"So this is a story all about how my life got twisted upside down. . ."
...And I'd like to take a minute and just put in context, how it came to pass that I lost my virginity.

Yes world, once upon a time I was a virgin. . .Gasp!
Once upon several of the most awkward minutes of my life, that all changed... For the better. For a boy actually.
I broke my virginity "for" a boy, and only shared that truth with him (no longer a boy), a little earlier
In this week. So now I figure I may as well share that story with you.

THE STORY!

Girl meets boy either at a party or at a netball game, and boy leaves a lasting impression. High school ends and girl goes to KZN for matric vac. Lots of alcohol consumed; some shady substances sampled; and somewhere in the midst of all that, girl calls boy. This phone call establishes 2 very fundamental pieces of information
1) Both Boy and Girl will be attending varsity in the same city
2) Girl would like to take a flight, and wants boy to be her pilot

Say what?

That was the code back then in high school days. Some top secret stuff I tell you.
Flight/Fly = Have Sex
Pilot. = The guy with whom you have sex

After establishing point 2), Boy and Girl decide to stay in touch. . . No Duh!
Girl then takes it a step further when the time comes to enrol. Seeing as Girl has been accepted at all the tertiary institutions to which she has applied, she decides to enrol at the same varsity as Boy; just so she can have the pleasure of seeing his pretty face on a daily. And Yes! Boy is painfully pretty. Girl likes pretty boys.

Months pass with Boy and Girl co-existing on the same campus, and Girl being unable to say a sober word to boy. She crushed him SO hard that words escaped her when she saw him. So the 2 hardly speak, and if ever they did...well then Girl was too drunk for me to remember. They must have spoken I guess, because Girl one day starts panicking about not ever having flown before, and how she doesn't want to be a horrible passenger on boys flight, as he pilots her. Boy mind you, is a major playboy on campus, this only turning up the volume on Girls' anxieties.

Poor Girl is in such a pickle. What to do? What to do?
"Eureka!" The answer reveals itself to her.
Do Dude!

Dude is literally some dude whose daily quest it is to annoy girl with his advances. Girl knows Dude because he lives in the apartment directly beneath hers. So off to his apartment she goes; sober as a judge, and not in the mood to candy coat anything.

"So like listen, I was wondering if you could please have sex with me?" Says girl. Dude responds by widening his eyes open in disbelief.
"There's a guy on campus that I've agreed to have sex with", girl continues. "But I've never had sex before, so I'd like to practice. That's if you don't mind?" Dude fails dismally at a verbal response. His Enthusiastic body language communicated his consent in behalf of his words.
"Cool. I don't want anyone to know, so you can come up to my place when everyone is asleep" orders Girl, halfway out the door already.

Dude does just that. Dude still shows up and knocks on Girls bedroom window, even after being told that Girl was just using him; and that she'd die of embarrassment if anyone knew that she so much as looked at him. Girl opens window, and Dude climbs in. Once their both settled on her single bed, Dude subjects himself to receive another low blow, by trying to. kiss Girl. Girl grimaces at this advance, as the expression on her face screans "GROSS!"

***talk about being a disrespectful brat***

Considering the lack of humanity with which Girl masterminded her first flight, she pretty much got what she deserved. A failure of a firework; clumsy; turbulent first time. A flight too horrible to want to remember. Poor Dude even apologised, and begged for a second time to redeem himself. He wasn't granted a second time... At least not on that day he wasn't.

Not long after Girl had taken her first flight, the time came for Boy to be her pilot. Girl was of course not completely sover when this much anticipated day came, so how on earth can you expect me to remember how that went down? I'm just narrating.

Girl and Boy went on to have a successful and colourful sexual relationship. Sex aside they never talked, let alone acknowledged each other. This worked out swimmingly for "commitmentphobe" Girl, and playboy Boy. Their unspoken arrangement ended when it ended, and now 9 years after their 1st flight; Girl knows how to say "Hi" to Boy without wishing that the earth would open up and swallow her whole.

As for Girl and Dude...Shame poor Dude. He was a sincerely nice guy, and Girl owes him an apology as far as I'm concerned.

I would never have wanted to anyone to do unto me, as was being done unto Dude. All of that abuse, in the name of another Boy.

Sorry Dude! Wishing you a lifetime of fireworks :)

"...let me do me to myself." (plus the poem which was born from this blog)

For someone who is allegedly deemed “smart”, I sure as hell only ever do disgustingly stupid things. The list is endless       : -Leaving Wallets in peoples cars

                       -Forgetting my bank pin

                       -Realising I have no clue where my I.D is, after needing to go to the bank

                       -Forgetting cell phones in peoples cars

That’s a shocking degree of stupidity, for someone who simply has NO excuse for that kind of behaviour!

I shocked myself today at how dismally I failed such a simple task. I wrote myself a list of things I have to do (Yes friend, I’m only attempting it 3 months later). It’s a list of 14 relatively mundane tasks, such as:

-        Be on Facebook less

-        Get dressed

-        Work on wedding spreadsheet

Et Cetera. The 3 that I have managed to get done thus far; what with their having been my 1^st three; are: - Write a list                 (done )

- Brush Teeth        (done )

- Make Tea              (done )

It was when I got to point 3 that I figured that some herb would be the ideal accompaniment to a wholesome cup of morning Green tea. And well ever since then, the rest is suddenly history.

Like really now CHRISTINE!

Your crap is no longer acceptable! Just get with living a life worth living already. I refuse to let me do me to myself! I guess that somewhat makes me my own headmistress. I would ask you all to prefect me along the way, but I don’t have the balls to hear the truth from anybody else but me! 

Coward?

 I know. I am however only human, and that shit hurts.

The truth hurts.

My eyes hurt.

(***sniffles***)

My eyes hurt

Hurt with a pain

That, “remember your alive” pain

They hurt with a sting

An everyday norm

They hurt when their not crying

They blaze with pain, in the absence of a tear storm

My eyes hurt needingly

Constantly

Breathlessly

My Hazel Glories hurt

They hurt

Blush

And diminish in spleandour

Amidst a red, that was once white.

My eyes hurt

Bleeding waves of fears

Waves of a numbness

Too silent to feel.

My eyes hurt.

To help me feel!

C.Msibi

03 July 2011