It happened without my consent: but once I’d realised what was going down, I chose to empower myself by owning it. Now that I own it, I’m far from certain what the perks of this are. I know that there’s a lesson to be learnt, but what exactly is it?
What exactly is it that I’m rambling on about to begin with?
Once upon 20 odd days ago, it occurred to me that it had been all of a month since I’d last gotten any. Had sex. Done the deed or whatever you want to call it. So do the maths. If it was 30 days of “sexlessness” 20 odd days ago, it’s been 50 odd days in total. When it occurred to me that it had been a month, I promptly dashed back to joburg with 1 agenda, and wound up fucking it up! I fucked up getting fucked! How appropriately Christine of me to manage standing up the same guy twice over 1 weekend. Just bloody priceless! It was after that epic failure of a weekend that I decided to re-think this whole thing.
As I write this, in fact; I’m astonished at the words I closed my opening sentence with. “I chose to empower myself by owning it”. Like really? Who on earth owned my sex life before me, if not me? I’ve previously pretty much boasted about how I have 99 problems, but a dick ain’t one; yet today that sentiment has me looking at myself and unsure if I’m seeing a hypocrite in my reflection.
Let’s stand back shall we, and try make sense of these under processed; over thunk thoughts I’m thinking:
Is it really that controversial of me to separate my active sex life from my dormant sex life?
Duh! It’s down right dodge of me to pride myself on getting it when & from whom I want it; then turning around and saying it’s not my fault I didn’t get any for 30days.
Why must blame be placed?
Is it truly all that horrible of me to have been too busy getting on with living life, to even notice that I didn’t have my head in the gutters for a change? Would I have even noticed, had it not been for this cruel; bitchy winter?
Was my subsequent unspecific vow to celibacy, taken for the right reasons?
I suspect not. I wouldn’t know the right reasons even if they were handed to me on an answer sheet, I do know myself somewhat though. I think this celibacy stunt of mine is/was a sham. A brilliantly petrified reaction, in the name of protecting myself.
Darn it! I think I figured it out. The blimmin problem now is the fact that I’m compelled to share, or else Shezi will say I cheated her as a reader. . . Fuck! Fuck! Shit!
In as painlessly as I can tell this truth, I think this stunt was born from rejection. The 1st 30 odd days of sexlessness were totally just nje. What I neglected to mention earlier was that after that epic failure of a weekend, I DESPERATELY (not a flattering moment) tried a 3rd time to link up with the same chap I’d stood up twice; and I wound up having a taste of my own medicine. Funny to think that 1 tiny dose of much deserved rejection, sent me running into a nunnery (the thought sincerely crossed my mind).
This is where the truth gets hard to swallow. . .Why did I only have 1 person in mind of the x many readily available to me? Any sensible hot blooded person in my shoes, would have seen my agenda through, with someone else. No one else was an option for me. To date, I literally have no desire to be satisfied by anyone else; not even the sex-on-legs new dude on my radar.
So I’m officially no longer hiding behind celibacy! I’m also officially going to have to move right along, because that which was just unofficially made clear to me; is completely against my religion. I guess that makes me officially SCREWED!
Do you need to decide on celibacy before embarking on it or can you call it as it has materialized? Its not like a sex recession that is out of your control and affected by American Sexual habits. You chose not to, subconsciously or otherwise. Indeed you own the glorious period (excuse the crude pun) known as celibacy.
ReplyDeleteOn a different score, it takes one episode to make you run away from pain. Once bitten...guess in your case there wasn't a bite. He ran to avoid a third time cause history stops count at two. He would have been a fool...or third time lucky...alas...
Its not only the truth that's hard to swallow! (As I promptly remove my thoughts from the gutter). You had one person in mind because you had planned with that one person. Had you thunk of another, you would have bunked with that other.Nonetheless, you though of less and you should care less..its all in the past. The only question is this:
Within that uncertainty of the choice or absence thereof for the existence of what has now been confidently labelled celibacy, are there good reasons to terminate such? Would you know them if they were shown on a jumbotron?
it was only celibacy from the point when i ran. . .before that it was a recession. lol! The good reason to terminate such would be because . , ,hell knows anymore!
ReplyDeleteHere's the thing : i'm sworn off allowing my heart to feel; and it was the feeling of my heart that had my desires so 1 person minded; it had nothing to do with how i had planned it. That being said, if i continue down this celibate road, it'd seem that the only natural way id get my sex life back was if my heart gave me the permission to; and that'd be defying my everything. However; if i get back into the swing of things, then I'll find my way back to where i was before my heart started playing with the notion of feeling.
The last time my heart sentenced my legs closed; it took a hell of a lot to get them open for business again . Don't want to repeat history so best i get my flirt on & have a weekend of debauchery before my heart gets the better of me.
(BBM Hand over face)
As I stay away from you this weekend!
ReplyDeleteLolest!! I'll be at the SA Sports Awards. Fikile Mbalula best watch out. . .
ReplyDelete